Stop Violence! Stop Rape! Stop Bullying!











{August 14, 2012}   ***TRIGGER WARNING!!*** SLEEPLESS NIGHTS FILLED HORRORS FROM CHILDHOOD…

 Darkness surrounds me. The ever lasting silence of my room intensifies by the minute. I begin to focus my thoughts on goals I achieved that day, relaxed with eyes closed, my mind betrays me.

“OH NO! NO!  NOT AGAIN!!” ; were my desperate calls into the lonely night. The silence unbearable silence  has gotten so painfully loud, that I’m covering my ears. My thoughts have gone from goals I achieved that day, to a PETRIFIED 6-year-old girl(me). It took all the strength in me to pull myself out of that time and place, and back to being 35. Thinking of all my utter and complete failures over the years, my mind drifts to a lonely, sad, and terrified 9 yr old girl. I pulled myself back again. I refocus my mind on accomplishments achieved throughout the day. A sudden burst of panic strikes through my chest. My thoughts become so loud I begin crying clenching my chest. I’m encumbered with pure and utter Sadness, Self Contempt, Shame, Guilt, these emotions struck so hard, I was terrified. I’m 7  yrs old, just beaten and raped; I saw such evil when noticed him smiling as I was screaming, taking sheer pleasure out of torturing me. My vision is now fuzzy from crying so hard, my throat hurt from screaming. As I watched him walk away through my fuzzy vision, I thought,”Where is Mommy? Where’s my real daddy? Why doesn’t anybody care? I am a worthless good for nothing piece of s**.”

I pull myself  out of that  flashback but filled with all those terrifying emotions and sensations I felt then. I now find myself 15 years old in a hospital. For countless days and weeks all I could do was lay on that hospital floor crying. That’s all I was physically and mentally capable of doing.

THESE THOUGHTS LITERALLY TEAR ME UP FROM THE INSIDE OUT.

Grabbing my pillow and throwing it against the wall I shouted,”STOP!” Then my legs and arms went numb. I was forgetting how to breathe. Both of my hands were clenching my chest. I could swear there is a vice-grip embedded over my heart. Someone is squeezing the vice-grip ever so slowly; just to watch me suffer. I’m screaming painfully through my tears. Eventually, I found enough strength to crawl into the bathroom. Moments later, I  proceeded to vomit.

When I finish vomiting, I lay on bathroom floor exhausted, in both emotional and physicalpain, and unable to move. I rest my body against the bathroom sink to brush my teeth.When I returned to my room, I made sure the TV was turned on. It eliminated some of the darkness; but more importantly, it gave my mind something to listen to besides my own thoughts.After laying down again, I noticed it’s well past midnight. I didn’t care though. I just focused directly on the TV and nothing else. Moments later, I was fast asleep.

Lori's World View

             The Way I have always perceived the world. ALWAYS SO ALONE LEFT IN MISERY, GUILT, REMORSE, SHAME, TERRIFIED, ETC. JUST BEFORE MY FACE CRASHES INTO MY KNEES AND I SQUEEZE THEM SO HARD IT CUTS OFF CIRCULATION;ALWAYS A MAN IS SO EVIL HE TOOK PLEASURE IN THE TORTURE; HE WALKS AWAY(FOR NOW)I HIDE IN MY CLOSET, FEELING INTENSE PAIN BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY; FILLED WITH FEELINGS OF PAIN, ANGUISH, AND NOT FEELING HUMAN(I WIPE UP THE BLOOD) I’M ALSO FILLED WITH SHEER TERROR. HE WILL BE BACK…  

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Prof;Mamoun khateeb says:

dear lori what you do,is least ascribe as noble,go ahead and porotect our kids and societies from bustard that threaten our life,again my upmost greeting and god bless you,am sorry annoying you by chat forgive,what you do is community message.



Thank you so much for the kind words. No need to apologize. You are not annoying at all. I am sharing my story because if I can help even 1 person come forward and break free; then I’ve done a good deed. That person will go on and help someone else. I’m also spreading awareness. Knowledge is power. My work with The RINJ Foundation is to keep these Rapists, sex offenders behind bars and off the streets, as well as many other things we do. I appreciate your kindness. Have a great day and take care.



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