Stop Violence! Stop Rape! Stop Bullying!

{July 20, 2012}   Breaking Free From Abuse; A Survivor’s Story.

It took so long deciding what topic to write about. Something I read about, but also something I have lived, therefore will be able to write about with feeling. The answer was in front of my face the whole time, plain as day. Breaking free of abuse.
First of all, since the age of 6yrs old, I was tortured, brutally raped, molested, beaten, starved, while being neglected by my own mother. This happened for at least 10 consecutive yrs, lasted longer but that is for a different blog.
Thank you to those of you who have been and remain my friends through these horrid years. It truly has been a roller coaster of: who I love who loves me,  who should love me, why the hell don’t they love me, why am I so hated and picked on, where are those parents who should love me, they don’t in which case , “Why in God‘s name am I part of this worthless existence!There was a continuous steady flow of my projecting my own hatred for myself and lack of self respect onto those I care about; driving away anybody who has ever shown they genuinely, cared about me. It took more than 30 years for me to stop and realize that I deserve better. I know change is possible. Only then was I able to accept help and friendship from others.

Lori Buhler in the year 2012.

Lori Buhler deeply engulfed in my work.

I know people who know me expect to visit me in a hospital every year due to suicide attempts. Those of you who stuck by me, now know there is more to me than sitting in a corner crying; or running away.
It’s been a long 35 year journey of discovering who I am. I mean, after a decade of sheer and utter torture; where does that leave a person? Young adulthood I found myself getting divorced knowing that the reason was purely this: He deserves better than me. He’s too nice to me. There went my first marriage up in flames.
I didn’t know how, still don’t know how to handle kindness regularly. It’s a feeling I have never had. It’s a new emotion I’ve never felt.
In my writings on this site, I will be keeping daily updates on my learning how to handle pure kindness and the new emotion it gives me; which I can’t yet describe.
I’m coming out of my shell one teeny tiny crack at a time and I want all of you to be there with me as I learn exactly: Who Am I? What am I supposed to be, and what is this new emotion? Do I actually deserve kindness and being cared about? How do I cope with going from a bitter shell filled with pure “nothing” to being a 35 year old woman who deserves happiness and coping with the fact that geography made my existence possible, avalanche hit and been waiting for death since I was six years old.
I’m an activist, An Advocate, I’m also a damn good writer. I know this is who I am. Feels really weird giving myself a compliment, so weird I’m tearing up; but I know it’s true. Soon, all of you will know this about me.


wayne thwaites says:

i really hope you will be happy you deserve it , and i hope your life will be a good one filled with happy times. you know you have someone who will always be there for you no matter what. you are a special and amazing person and you are very good at the things you do like your writing and care alot about poeple. look after yourself lori . takecare miss you.

Thank You Wayne. I know we haven’t spoken much lately. I’ve been extremely busy with my work. I’ve helped a lot of people these past few days know that they are not alone and additionally provided them with local resources; in addition, I’ve been a shoulder to cry on for them. When everything feels hopeless, I remind them that there’s always hope. I know what it feels like to feel all alone and nobody cares. Thank you for the kind words Wayne. You are a genuine friend who has been there for me. I hope to return the favor and be your shoulder to cry on if you ever need one. Take Care of Yourself.

Tiffany Buhler says:

Little Sister, you deserve to be happy in every way possible. I love you so much and always have. I will always check on you when your sleeping. Thats what normal women do even though your in your mid 30’s even though you told me you dont need a Mother now. I will always be Motherly to you. And you are a fantastic writer.

loribuhler says:

Thank you big sister. Well, never really had a mother, don’t need one now. But okay, be motherly to me if you’d like. Writing has always been my gift. This is the first of many postings for this blog site. I’m glad you have read my first posting Tiffany. Take Care.

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